This is the first time I have ever been able to write about this topic in a manner of such. It is the first direct, voluntary piece from my healing journey. It is the first one I tremble not from terror but a burning, fiery hope.
My compassion for humanity
is my biggest weakness.
My empathy is my superpower
But it is also my greatest enemy
I am you
In every pain you bear
In every hardship you hide
In every secret tear you shed
It is all mine.
I am me
In every moment I am weakened
In every moment I am hurt
In every moment I am threatened
In every moment I am suffocating
It is all mine.
But while they forget or avoid, I cannot.
I can never forget
I can only pretend
because from my empathy,
something that is like fire is birthed —
an explosive passion,
a deep rage
And it is all mine
Even the days I do not want it.
Acknowledging what not a soul knows
Remembering what has been forgotten
What has been trained to be buried deep within the crevices of the mind
is feeling the horror again
is gripping my metaphorical fists
clenching my jaw
hardening my heart
silencing my tongue
and living it once more
Just uttering the truth to a stranger is enough to destroy me.
But only if I let it.
I stay seated.
I use my mind to glue my body to the chair.
This is all worth it.
I am on a lifelong journey
One that only I can be on
One that only I can truly understand
To not confront is to not self validate
To not validate is to not heal
It happened, it happens
And it does not fade away into the wind.
And I stand today and admit all of it.
I am strong and brave enough to face it and be vulnerable even to a degree I hate.
Because this is the first step of my healing.