Letting the Tide Take Over

Photo by Axel Antas-Bergkvist on Unsplash

I drop every commitment one by one

Each course, and person, and weight that has plagued me for too long

For everything that has hurt the people around me, for that which has hurt me.

It is more than one human can take.

I will now forget everyone’s names, first starting with my own.

How can I stay here enclosed as I continue to suffocate?

I must tame my beast of emotions so I stop hurting them

I must stop fighting myself to stop fighting them

But for that I must be alone in my self discovery

—

My emotions have no label and have no predictable course

Each second it is different and it is consuming

And I cannot stop the wave when it comes

It destroys me

It swallows all that must witness it

It is a monster

I have to feel each of these emotions so intensely

It is my superpower and demise

But is who I am and I accept it

But I must let myself label them on my own to protect my people

My demons will be my demons and mine only.

I don’t understand the waves, the tide that continues to change

Only Allah ever will and no one else

And that is enough for me.

—

I am unstable, impulsive and unpredictable

I am broken, healing and confused

I am young, naive and stupid

I am falling so hard that I am intoxicated into making choices I regret

I am so deeply involved I am afraid to show my monsters and scars

I will always want to feel free, I will always want to run

I am a seed who does not know what she will grow into

I am lost and I need to continue to lose myself to find myself

I am untamed, unkept, unknown, unpredictable, un —

—

The hurt I have caused

The confusion I have unleashed

The tears have made me dizzy

I am unworthy, I am unready

I am flawed, I am the epitome of imperfection.

I am impulsive, immature, irrational

I am an idiot.

I am insane, I am dangerous, I am self destructive.

I am unhappy, unrealised, undeveloped.

I have internal issues, I have an endless number of flaws and each day and uncomfortable situation, a new one is born.

But I am now learning and realising only through my own experiences.

—

For too long, from the day I could choose, I chose to prioritise everything but myself

No more communication with external influences for a while

No more studies and giving back for a while

The extra year and barely missed census date cannot convince me

The money and lost scholarship cannot faze me

The tangible cannot claim victory over the intangible

—

Because I have to choose me

I have to give myself the freedom to fall

I am in therapy, I am vulnerable

I am trapped in my own mind

I am here to start fresh, to forget the world, to forget myself

To roam alone to wherever a train and book takes me

I will keep those who stay and walk away from those who leave

I will be selfish and selfless

I will put myself before others

I will put others who matter before myself

I will isolate and be independent

I will not be so impressionable and I will not self sabotage nor let others to sabotage

I will embark on self discovery for days on end by exploring in isolation in order to start fresh.

I will let the tide take me.

As isolation ends I will begin my own isolation to be reborn.

I will rise from the shadows. Alone.