Letting the Tide Take Over
I drop every commitment one by one
Each course, and person, and weight that has plagued me for too long
For everything that has hurt the people around me, for that which has hurt me.
It is more than one human can take.
I will now forget everyone’s names, first starting with my own.
How can I stay here enclosed as I continue to suffocate?
I must tame my beast of emotions so I stop hurting them
I must stop fighting myself to stop fighting them
But for that I must be alone in my self discovery
My emotions have no label and have no predictable course
Each second it is different and it is consuming
And I cannot stop the wave when it comes
It destroys me
It swallows all that must witness it
It is a monster
I have to feel each of these emotions so intensely
It is my superpower and demise
But is who I am and I accept it
But I must let myself label them on my own to protect my people
My demons will be my demons and mine only.
I don’t understand the waves, the tide that continues to change
Only Allah ever will and no one else
And that is enough for me.
I am unstable, impulsive and unpredictable
I am broken, healing and confused
I am young, naive and stupid
I am falling so hard that I am intoxicated into making choices I regret
I am so deeply involved I am afraid to show my monsters and scars
I will always want to feel free, I will always want to run
I am a seed who does not know what she will grow into
I am lost and I need to continue to lose myself to find myself
I am untamed, unkept, unknown, unpredictable, un —
The hurt I have caused
The confusion I have unleashed
The tears have made me dizzy
I am unworthy, I am unready
I am flawed, I am the epitome of imperfection.
I am impulsive, immature, irrational
I am an idiot.
I am insane, I am dangerous, I am self destructive.
I am unhappy, unrealised, undeveloped.
I have internal issues, I have an endless number of flaws and each day and uncomfortable situation, a new one is born.
But I am now learning and realising only through my own experiences.
For too long, from the day I could choose, I chose to prioritise everything but myself
No more communication with external influences for a while
No more studies and giving back for a while
The extra year and barely missed census date cannot convince me
The money and lost scholarship cannot faze me
The tangible cannot claim victory over the intangible
Because I have to choose me
I have to give myself the freedom to fall
I am in therapy, I am vulnerable
I am trapped in my own mind
I am here to start fresh, to forget the world, to forget myself
To roam alone to wherever a train and book takes me
I will keep those who stay and walk away from those who leave
I will be selfish and selfless
I will put myself before others
I will put others who matter before myself
I will isolate and be independent
I will not be so impressionable and I will not self sabotage nor let others to sabotage
I will embark on self discovery for days on end by exploring in isolation in order to start fresh.
I will let the tide take me.
As isolation ends I will begin my own isolation to be reborn.
I will rise from the shadows. Alone.